Look. We know how it is. You’re a busy person. Got those links to like and those pictures to heart. When you’re not doing that, you need some ‘me time’ looking at pictures of cats, dogs and octopuses or whatever. Modern life is hard.
You looked at the calendar and thought “February 14th. Hmm, why is that date ringing a bell?”.
There was no bell, that’s just a turn of phrase, no-one has bells anymore. It was Valentine’s Day and you forgot you big dummy! Now your significant other is plotting your death and your family are making plans for the funeral (can you believe they’ve chosen a Robbie Williams song!? Not even Angels, they went for Rock DJ. It’s like they don’t know you at all.), you’re probably wondering what you can do about it.
Well wonder no more, my friend, because we have the perfect way in which to save your life. That’s right, we are going to save your life. We are an event. I’m not even a human, this is all AI. All you do is follow this simple five-step program:
- Buy two tickets for the next Comedy Commentary Cinema night on March 8th right here.
- Surprise your significant other by hiding in a bush at night which they have to walk past alone.
- Jump out of the bush naked, covered in yak’s blood, knife in hand screaming “MY LOVE I HAVE BOUGHT YOU A VANELTINE’S DAY PRESENT, MY APOLOGIES THAT IT’S DELIVERED LATE”. Try not to defecate while you do this, though small stools may go unnoticed.
- Put a boombox over your head playing Temptation by Heaven 17. It’s a good song, don’t deny it. Genuinely shocked no-one’s done a massive, filthy remix of this in the last few years. I blame that awful Cradle Of Filth cover.
- Reap the rewards of wild and freaky sex with your significant other and whoever else you consensually invite, we won’t judge.
UR WLCM BBZ.